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racecar backwards

by ness lake

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1.
i see the world the way the world sees me with broken skin and bended knee i want it all before its gone everytime i go to sleep the world falls down on top of me it never leaves
2.
back windows busted out all my things are gone its a gift from god hallelujah its a reverse birthday where everything is bad or normal birthdays, it's not my big day in fact i feel so small happy birthday happy birthday shoot one day i'll be gone and i know that everybody's gonna leave sometime racecar backwards im in the mirror i hate this guy he sucks he's dirt or ground to plant in drink some water tomorrow might not hurt id like to feel good like to feel great like to get there never stop every day is like a birthday when all of your friends just forgot and i know that everybody's gonna leave sometime
3.
i need a god more than a crush i love myself when no one does she says she smokes the way she breathes does that mean fast and next to me? does that mean fast unfastening? doesn't this seem less frustrating? to see you smile, through the steam condense against my skin and drip right off of me i found a god he lives inside the honest tasks yeah that's right i worship dishes, kiss the floor my heart exists to restore the balance of this hellish place can you believe they make us pay? can you believe they make us pay?
4.
i dont really like that i dont really feel like bathing in the sunlight dancing in the lifelike plastic trees and flowers lego superpowers i just wanna build build build build build destroy they say they smoke the way they breathe does that mean fast and next to me? does that mean fast unfastening? someone help me please everything's not awesome but nothing's really real except the drips and drops of good that come with waves of tears i don't even cry that much i just always feel so numb
5.
sobbing in the street i lost my friends asked how long it's been, severed stem cut open once again, i said "all night" in my bed, closed eyes my whole life sleep's a free trial for when i die catch and release, the Z's and me living in the real world put me back i wanna dream underneath the real world (colleen) sobbing in the street i lost my friends i don't want to have to start again its my fault i should have known better just seems like im so bad at getting better [will i ever be better?] catch and release, the Z's and me living in the real world put me back i wanna dream underneath the real world catch and release, the Z's and me living in the real world put me back i wanna dream underneath the real world
6.
sunlight fills the room i close the blinds shadows split me open close my eyes its a surgery not one i really need but it's starting, holding steady scissors snip my heart out from my chest i can do the rest at least i think i can i assume the worst cause that's all that i am i had a plan, i'm glad it never happened soft smoke fills the room i close my eyes ive been such a lucky guy comfortable watching from behind this body, my demise it stands for me while i wait in line it holds my place while im occupied ive never had control took my belt up to the blinds took a lot to realize how little is actually mine ive always been a speck this body is my mech i gotta cut it out cause i got people to impress
7.
lego superpowers life in distinct color life in plastic throw me in the water exposed wood and plaster life in plastic nothing really matters matters drain from the gutter to the basement i lie down on the cement there will be cement in space cause there's already cement in space i cement in place i lie down in space i keep my pace it's not fast i stay in place the dark side of the moon shows its face the dark side of the moon is still in space
8.
i can always sleep its the best thing i can do escaping from the minutes i cant keep off of my back singing in church my mom is standing next to me is this hymn in the right key? i feel like i am shrinking i want to wear all my dad's clothes i wanna hear him say "oh i know where you got those lines in your face, growing up going away, it seems like yesterday i could pick you up, will you help me out in my garage?" i can always play ping pong in my dreams my uncle's laughing spinning balls the white against the green against the walls i can always dream im happy somewhere its like each heartbeat shakes the seismograph i'd hold your hand i'd make you laugh
9.
control 01:48
it's good to be in control im responsible i can take care of myself but that's hard so i don't eat and i almost starve it's not good to be in control it's not good to be in control singing in my sleep my mouthguards in you cant recognize me maybe we can talk in my dreams notes of seraphims im underneath and its almost [like] its not good to be in control
10.
the endings will all end and wrap around none of this really matters to me now sometimes it takes a sec past my own surprise at my own neglect to realize im just a pile of little dots and you're just a pile of dots too they'll forget all our dots real soon the dots explode give way decay multiply divide escape these dots are organized real well and i live in every cell kill the warden of this jail i wanna feel something that matters might as well
11.
darth maul 01:03
black hole cellphone did you call? sattelites, i want it all ive been sending signals out to outer space as darth maul born to kill and then to die im the double-edged sword guy sharpening both sides to chop up with the sun in both my eyes the sun in both my eyes i stare and it resides there's a star living inside my friends heads, well where's mine?
12.
everytime i see the lace everything falls into place sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes it makes me lie shades of blue really cute sweet tongues in the breeze hold your breath, cant help but sneeze just some moths no bees shades of you really cute really cute
13.
time is a freight train im throwing rocks at the side theyll replace the cars and we'll have to rewind and ill do it again throwing rocks with your friends i wanna leave here but time is a flip book and youre just a frame we make all this stuff to try and forget that pain i move my thumb to the corner...
14.
15.
16.
UNDERNEATH where the big trees are i push my bike through the tombstones the dog that tastes the blood gets put down waxen seraphim the sun the song of birch and maple canopies that cover me im underneath im underneath check my pockets for my keys my phone my wallet and IDs this last round is on me, this last year is on me two name tombstone twelve years apart a corner house can take two names, but where's the mailbox? ill sleep in apartments forever lease signings lead warnings im underneath im underneath NOSTALGIA careful cacophony drumming on the steering wheel we're headed home, yeah we'll get there when we get there we'll get there when we get there its a careful cacophony siren sings, back and forth do you understand? do you still feel? are you still there are you still there? everyone i know has held the things that ive held close for so long so long and never let go of nostalgia, nostalgia wish i could be part of your world of your world of your world i only hear your voice through computers a well assembled nightmare, i was in the front there please slow down, watch the signs please drive safer as the crow flies ive been baptized in the sun

about

racecar backwards - an album by ness lake

this album was written as a creative exercise for "february album writing month" (fawm), where the objective is to write, record, and produce 14 songs in 28 days. this is my third iteration of that project after completing it in 2017, and 2019 as well

this process of ad hoc, accelerated songwriting is liberating as it doesn't allow room for overthinking. just creation. not that i overthink my art much to begin with haha

racecar backwards, as a palindrome means that no matter how i grow, change, or orient myself, i'm still me. that's something that i feel like i have to both reconcile with and celebrate.

as my 20th bandcamp release in the past 5-6 years, this leaves room for reflection on who i was, who i am, and who i will be. i feel compulsed to try and archive these grains of sand as they slip through my fingers

thanks for sifting through my archives. i hope you find something you can relate to.

love you lots,
chan

credits

released March 6, 2021

everything on the album was written, produced, mixed, and mastered by me, chandler lach

vox and verse 2 lyrics on track 5 by Colleen Dow
vox and lyrics on track 12 by Miranda Schaffer
midi programming and production support on track 11 by Kyle McFarland

album artwork by Matthew Ryan Johnson
instagram.com/m4tthewj

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about

ness lake Ypsilanti, Michigan

i lean in
n3sslake@gmail.com

@n3sslake on twitter/insta

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